IWTQYG CH 4

Chapter 4

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Guilt and Self-criticism

“A part of your body?”

Delcia nodded.

“If you mean a part of your body...”

Count Ferdo trailed off and looked at his daughter. Delcia swallowed hard, she had deliberately been vague about mentioning the heart directly, they would definitely object. Apparently, that only made them more curious.

Pondering what to replace it with, her mind raced through a list of body parts that aren’t life-threatening.

“Yes. My nails…and a little bit of hair...”

“Really, you can bring someone back to life with those?”

This time, Arnold retorted. In the end, she ended up lying to her family. Delcia’s face went pale, but she nodded anyway. If she hadn’t lied, she wouldn’t even have been able to bring it up. She silently repeated apologies in her head over and over.

“Delcia, honestly, I don't understand. Isn't bringing someone back to life with just a few nails and hairs almost the same as black magic?”

“No.”

“It's not like putting a beating heart back in, but to revive a dead person with just nails and hair...….”

Is strange.

Her heart dropped at Arnold’s words and her eyelashes trembled. Should she confess everything? What if they refused to let her save Edwin? Anxiety flooded her.

“Arnold, stop it. Delcy wouldn't lie to us.”

“Of course I don't think she would, but it is a little strange.

“For now, Delcy, let's talk about this again in the evening. Okay? Right now, it's too sudden, so I don't think I can make any decisions easily right now.”

“……Yes.”

Count Ferd stood with a gentle smile, patted Delcia’s round head a couple of times, and left the room together with Arnold. As soon as they were gone, Delcia’s body started trembling. She hated herself for lying to them, for forcing permission this way. How can she face her family who was still worried about her? Delcia blinked a few times with teary eyes, then stood up from her seat and stepped out of the office.

“Father, I think—”

“Arnold, don't be so negative. There's no reason Delcy would lie to us—”

She could vaguely hear the conversation between her father and brother. Delcia smiled faintly and went up to her bedroom. As Delcia sat on the edge of the bed, lost in thought, Ella joined her.

“My lady, are you not feeling well?”

“No, I’m alright.”

“You don't look well. Are you worried about something?”

Even if she’s worried about something, she couldn’t tell Ella about it. Delcia weakly shook her head and tightly grasped Ella’s hand.

“My lady?”

“Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever held your hand like this before.”

“Why all of a sudden?”

“It’s just. I’ve known you for so long, but I haven’t been able to take good care of you.”

Delcia smiled weakly. Would there ever be another day when she could hold Ella’s small, warm hand like this? Judging from her father and Arnold’s conversation, things would likely go in her favour.

If I gave my heart to Edwin, I would never see Ella, my family, or the servants again. I hadn't thought about that…

The truth was, her resolve and everyone else’s resolve were completely different things. Thinking of sacrificing herself for Edwin was a good decision, but those left behind wouldn’t see it that way.

The more she thought about it, the more she felt guilty toward Ella. She had never given her a proper holiday and had only caused her worry. Maybe now would be a good time to send her away for a while. And if she wants her plan to succeed smoothly, it would be better if Ella wasn’t around. Ella was more perceptive to notice her condition or thoughts more than anyone else, so there was a high possibility that her plan would be exposed quickly.

Looking down at Ella’s hand, Delcia murmured

“Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever given you a proper holiday.”

“Yes?”

“Ella, I want you to take a week off starting tomorrow.”

“But how could I leave you, knowing how heartbroken you are...?”

Confused, Ella hesitated, but Delcia firmly pressed on.

“It's okay, Ella.”

“My lady, it's too sudden. Shouldn’t we at least speak with the Count—”

“I'll speak to my father about it. It's okay, you can go.”

Ella's face darkened rather than being happy. Normally, she would have been delighted and planned for the trip, but strangely, she didn't feel like it. She was worried about her mistress’ situation and strange mood. But Ella nodded for now.

I should tell the Count about this.

• ───────── ☽༓☾ ───────── •

And so, the day passed and dawn broke.

After breakfast, Delcia sat with her family in the office, her face somewhat nervous. Halfway through the meal, it suddenly occurred to her that they might refuse after all. On top of that, they kept hesitating, glancing at her before speaking, which only made her more nervous.

“Delcy.”

“Yes, Father?”

“Before I tell you, we need to talk about Ella.”

“Yes? What about her?”

“I heard that you asked Ella to take a holiday. Of course, I'm not trying to say anything against suggesting a holiday to Ella.

“Then.......”

“I'm just asking because Ella said she was worried about the look on your face when you suggested she take a holiday.”

Count Ferdo looked at her with concern.

“Are you doing this because you want to hide it from her?”

“Yes?”

“Your plan to save Edwin.”

“……Oh.”

Only then did she understand the reason why her father brought it up. He had assumed that she had recommended the holiday with that intention when in reality, it wasn’t. Delcia nodded, appearing to agree with him.

“This father understood your intentions correctly. I told Ella to go on a holiday for now.”

“I'm sorry. I should have told you in advance...”

“It's okay, Delcy. You have nothing to apologize for.”

After gently comforting his daughter, he made eye contact with Arnold and gave a small nod.

“Delcy.”

“Yes.”

“I’ve thought carefully about what you said. From various angles.”

“…Okay.”

Her face tensed up again.

“If hair and nails are truly all it takes to pay for... then go ahead and do as you wish.”

“R-really?”

“But instead, everything has to be done in front of me and Arnold. Understood?”

“......In front of father and brother?”

It was a bit difficult to agree to that easily. What was actually going to be used is not her nails or hair, but her heart. If they saw that, her father and Arnold would either be furious or heartbroken. If things go wrong, they might drag her out before she even gets a chance to save Edwin.

When she hesitated, they both looked at her strangely.

“Is something wrong?”

“It’s...…”

“Is it difficult?”

“Oh, no. No, I think it will be fine.”

In case her family might change their minds, Delcia hurriedly answered and smiled lightly. She didn't expect them to agree so she felt a little bit overwhelmed, but a corner of her heart felt uneasy. It made her uncomfortable to think that she had to deceive her family to finally get their permission.

It was obvious that everything would be revealed on the day Edwin was to be revived, but still, she was relieved that she could save him. She was trembling in excitement at the thought of going to Vianna this afternoon, tell her that her family had given their permission, and urge her to revive Edwin as soon as possible.

After finishing the conversation with her family, Delcia went up to her bedroom. The joy of being able to save Edwin was short-lived. The guilt and self-criticism that she had deceived her family soon came back to haunt her.

Closing her eyes tightly, Delcia clutched the hem of her skirt. There was no turning back. Even if it meant spending the rest of the day repeatedly apologising and praying for forgiveness that would never be granted. She had to prioritise saving Edwin. To save Edwin from lying there alone, his body growing cold.

With that thought, Delcia passed the rest of the morning.

Chapter 3

Chapter List

Chapter 5