IDLYITL CH 8
- Feb 19
- 7 min read
Chapter 8
• ────── ✦ ────── •
A Memory with No Meaning
Unexpectedly, Psyche ended up following Hans down the stairs. In the awkward silence, Psyche felt the need to speak and turned to him.
“Now that I think about it, I heard you’re a son of a count.”
“Yes. The third son. I have no title or anything. I came to the ducal family because I had nothing else to do.”
“"Still, you are quite brilliant, aren't you?"
Hans' eyes widened at Psyche's sincere remark. He dropped his professional demeanour and smiled.
“Oh my, to think you’ve heard of my intellect? Did you have me investigated back in your kingdom, Madam? I’m honoured.”
“N-no, I didn’t investigate…”
Psyche became flustered. She had seen him so often over the past four years that she had spoken too casually, pretending to know more than she should. But unlike her, Hans seemed happy to have been complimented and shrugged his shoulders.
“That’s true. It's not a common thing to rise to the position of a great noble’s aide at my age. It’s all thanks to this brilliant mind.”
“Exactly. That’s what I meant, too.”
Psyche secretly let out a breath, having narrowly avoided a crisis. She hurried across the hall and out of the manor. A carriage was already waiting for them outside, and an unexpected person was standing in front of it.
“…Ikali?”
The name slipped out of her mouth instinctively. The man standing in front of the carriage turned to look at her.
His calm eyes were like the sea after a rainfall. The passing spring breeze carried the faint scent of a cigar. After their argument last night, seeing Ikali again overwhelmed Psyche with a mix of complicated emotions.
“Calling me by my name all of a sudden.”
His calm, nostalgic voice made Psyche clutch her hands together.
“You've been so diligent about calling me Your Grace since you got married.”
Was it sarcasm, teasing, or neither? Psyche couldn't tell. She just stood stiffly on the stairs, staring at him. Ikali stroked the neck of the carriage horse, which had black fur, and then turned his gaze back to her.
“Why are you just standing there?”
Psyche blinked, as if snapping out of a trance.
“I was surprised to see you standing there, Your Grace.”
“But you called me by my name a moment ago.”
Standing next to the horse, Ikali looked perfectly natural. Having honed his martial arts to swing a sword even while riding, it was only natural he was comfortable with horses. He patted the horse’s thick neck and looked at her.
“Want to touch it?”
Psyche was surprised and looked between Ikali and the horse. But when the horse let out a rough snort, she immediately shook her head.
“No, thank you.”
“I see.”
Ikali didn't push her and opened the carriage door. It was usually the coachman's job, but the man sat still, likely having been told something beforehand. As Ikali held out his hand, Psyche reluctantly took it. She couldn't hide the discomfort in her eyes.
Looking at Psyche's face as she sat down in the seat after his escort, Ikali clicked his tongue, clearly displeased.
“Anyone would think I brought you here to eat you alive.”
His face, which had been softened just moments ago while stroking the horse's neck, hardened again. Psyche watched the change with unease before turning her head to the window.
Anna, got into the carriage, and the door closed. Ikali went back into the manor even before the carriage started moving.
In the awkward silence, the coachman drove the carriage. They heard the sound of the enormous main gate creaking open, and the carriage slowly left the manor.
“...Madam, are you alright?”
Anna asked carefully, watching Psyche who was compulsively staring at the carriage window.
Psyche tried to nod to reassure her, but couldn't and just clutched her trembling hands tightly together. In front of Ikali, she had tried desperately to act as if nothing was wrong. But even now, his rough, calloused touch seemed to linger on her fingertips.
Suddenly, a memory from the past came to mind.
“Want to touch it?”
Young Ikali had asked her. In his arms was a small rabbit with chocolate-coloured fur. The little rabbit’s nose was twitching busily as it sniffed the outside air, making little Psyche frown.
“I'm scared.”
“It’s not scary. It’s gentle and kind.”
“…”
“It’s like the princess. The brown fur, the round eyes. And it’s so pretty when it eats carrots.”
“Hmph, I really don’t like it…”
“Just once.”
At the request of the boy she liked, Psyche reluctantly put her hand on the rabbit's back. The rabbit stopped moving and blinked slowly. She could feel the rabbit's heart thumping under her small hand.
“Wow!”
Ikali watched her and smiled brightly. That memory remained in her mind like a painting. But now, it was nothing. A memory with no meaning. When she held his rough hand to get into the carriage, Psyche couldn't hold back the surge of grief that rose within her.
Why did he kill me?
Why didn’t he just let her die with him?
If he was going to be indifferent, he should have been indifferent from start to finish. So why is he confusing me now? Why is he getting angry at me?
Ikali’s back as he entered the manor looked stiff with anger. In her previous life, he had never even looked at her, let alone gotten angry. He acted as if he has no emotion toward her at all.
If she were her past self, she would have welcomed his anger. She would have continued to try and get along with him, just like they did in their childhood. But Psyche realized that all her strength was utterly depleted.
If only, if only the man she met in prison after four years had told her he loved her. If only he had asked her how much she had suffered, she would have willingly gone up to the execution platform with him then and there.
That's what she was taught a married couple was. She was taught that true love meant sacrificing one's life for their beloved and willingly dying with them on the same day, at the same time. She wanted to be acknowledged as his wife, even if it meant through death.
Unable to bear the frustration, Psyche abruptly stood up from her seat. It felt as if a heavy stone was stuck under her chest. She wanted to go back to the manor right away and demand an answer from Ikali as to why he had treated her that way.
“Ma-Madam! What’s wrong?”
Anna was startled. Psyche turned to look out the window, her eyes red with sorrow, but the manor had already disappeared beyond the trees.
• ───────── ☽༓☾ ───────── •
The carriage soon stopped at Lacon Square, one of the most bustling squares in the capital. The streets were clean, lined with boutiques and tea houses that led the capital's latest trends.
Psyche and Anna found the teahouse Hans had recommended before they left the manor.
Following Hans's recommendation, they found a specific tea house. Seeing the Ducal carriage, an employee guided them to the second floor. They were seated at a window table surrounded by a light green partition painted with flowers.
“C-Can I really sit here?”
“Why not? It’s no fun to eat alone. And no one else is watching, anyway.”
Psyche reassured Anna and had her sit across from her. It was a window seat, she had a clear view of the clean square outside. She had actually been to this teahouse a few times in her previous life. Though it was a rare occurrence.
In teahouses frequented by noblewomen, gossip about the capital's high society was, of course, a common topic, and Psyche was a favourite target.
The princess who was dishonourably sold in a marriage of convenience due to royal debt. The pitiful princess who was stood up by her husband on their wedding night. The materialistic princess who set a match with the Duke's biological son, only to flip like a palm once his luck ran out.
All those phrases were used to refer to Psyche in high society, and the Psyche of that previous life would be hurt, like a wound carved into her heart every time she heard such insults.
Lost in her thoughts, an employee brought beautiful tea food and tea to Psyche and Anna. As Psyche was enjoying the aroma of the scented tea—
“Oh my, it seems the Duchess of Demiosis has paid a visit. There’s a carriage outside.”
“Heavens! That princess who was sold from Dawson?”
Psyche instinctively held her breath when she heard the voices talking about her. She didn't recognize them but guessed they were socialites. Psyche turned her head and listened quietly to the voices chattering behind the partition.
“The Princess of Dawson is at Lacon Square. Is she desperate to get into high society? Or is she just fed up that her husband won’t pay attention to her?”
“I heard that Madam Tilly despises her. I wonder if the two will run into each other in the square. Is she even allowed to go out like this?”
Psyche shifted her head to the clear blue sky outside the window. Anna watched her nervously.
“Has it been over a week already? Since that monster and the princess got married. What a perfect match.”
“I heard they didn't even have a wedding. I wonder if the monster is just too callous to care, or if he just finds the princess so terrible that he can't stand her…”
“Oh, come on. Then why would he marry her and even pay off the royal family's debt? He must have had a reason to marry her.”
The laughter grew louder, their conversation became more explicit.
“Even if they skipped the wedding, I'm sure they're being diligent in the bedroom. I heard she's quite famous in Dawson for her looks.”
“Oh, how embarrassing!”
Anna's face, sitting across from her, was mortified. She was fidgeting, uncomfortable at the insults being thrown at her mistress.
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